In regards to Phoebe Dances Everyday Project, I definitely learned that I under-edit, but I am pretty sure the preciousness I experience over footage will decrease over the years. Dance encompasses my days and I learn a lot all the time. I usually go through daily bouts of self-doubt about my capacity as a performer/dancer/moving body and criticism about the indulgence and self-claimed privilege of identifying as a dancer (rather that being a REAL adult). I think about how my art isn't that great and how I am not a fantastic dancer with particularly earth-shaking athletic abilities. I have breasts and hips and thighs which are all seen as a down-fall in the dance world. My balance is inconsistent and unreliable. I can't see very well. And I don't come from a background of serious discipline--- so, who am I to spend time in a studio, to ask for money so that you can witness me on a stage? Who am I to say "this is the thing and it is worth doing, worth watching"? And who am I not to have a real job with health insurance and a home and a car and possible and pet (fish?)? It's not fair, they tell me. It's not fair that I don't have these "responsibilities" and on top of that, from those who care for me dearly, I hear, "it's not safe".
Well yes, sir. It is exhausting. It is unnerving at times and the struggle to meet my needs can be relentless. The competition is high, especially as a woman. My funding is NIL (I mean nada, nothing, res). And in the end, maybe I will have created mediocre performances (phoebedance.blogspot.com for example). I will be old and poor, unremembered.
So, given this, I NEED to ask myself and be clear on WHY and HOW I approach dance.
Why: well. because I believe that through the body in motion, I can contribute to healing in the world. I believe that the practice of 'my whole body at once watching time pass and space change as I move through it' (inspired by Deborah hay) doesn't JUST happen in the lab. I believe it happens in Trader Joe's, during cooking dinner, and in my deepest sleep. And I believe that when it happens, intimacy unfolds, balance takes breath, and a high order of respect for the mystery of life entails. I dance because within my practice of dance I become a better person and I challenge myself from an integrated approach and I hold not only my mind accountable but all my cells, all my emotions, thoughts, healths, sicknesses, spirit accountable. I show up. For me, being a dancer is a practice of showing up, no matter what.
How: I think it is in my best interest to approach dance, not only with passion and commitment, but with dignity and self-respect. It is incredibly easy to list off all the reasons and rhymes as to why what I am doing is indulgent and wasteful and disrespectful to other hard-working adults, etc. <- this is impart due to the values of our society and the impact of our environment and culture. We as a society, do not value dance (bbc doesn't even cover dance in their arts section and nytimes fails to list it in the sidebar on their website). Most people think of ballet and So You Think You Can Dance and MJ and then it stops there. But what I do, is not ballet, not anything like SYTYCD and unfortunately, not like MJ. So what can I do? I can offer my critical, brilliant, and creative body to be seen as it does it's absolute best to portray the intimacies of this world in innovative and inspiring ways. By studying and exploring every detail- how do my eyes function? How does my skeleton work, my muscles, fascia, my organs? What does breathe do? What do all these things do in moments of love, hate, numbness, story telling? How do we communicate with our hands our deepest fears and our biggest memories? Where does despair live in the body? Catharsis? Elevation? What's being rather than doing? how do we listen to each other with our eyes? with our gut? how to we hide and how do we become larger that life? when does detail stand out and when is it that we focus on the expansion of the whole universe? These are the questions I relentlessly stay in and because I approach dance from these questions, it is my hope that I can offer you what I find. And that those discoveries are of value to you and your personal life, even without the back flip or triple pirouette .
In theory I could explore these questions in poetry or in painting. But I trust more that anything, the WHOLE BODY AT ONCE as informing me (more than I do my mind or more than what I experience sitting in a chair for hours pondering).
So that's that. And here I am. And here I go.
more to come and more to go.
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